Thursday, November 20, 2014

Learning to Love.

I think its safe to say I love all of my children unconditionally, but I had to learn to love Jeremy and see past Down syndrome and health problems to see the baby that was an extension of my husband and me. My other kids were easy to love, it was an immediate response, and there was nothing we had to worry about (medically), instantly we knew they would thrive. My prenatal (almost kinda) diagnosis scared the shit out of me. And because I always see the glass as half full I instinctively figured I was thinking "the worst possible scenario." Remember, these were my thoughts prior to Jeremy entering the world. Part of me grew afraid to really love Jeremy, and not because of the possibility of Down syndrome, but because I was afraid he would be taken away far too early. I don't think my heart could handle losing something it unconditionally loves.
 We left Germany so fast, and everything was a whirlwind that I never got to really sit still and learn to love Jeremy and simultaneously not be afraid that he would pass away because of his heart condition. It was a weird feeling, knowing I should be blissfully happy, but unable to find that place. It was like I was on the edge of a cliff. One wrong step and I would go plummeting to Earth. So I pretended. It was much easier to pretend to be blissfully happy, while also showing the right amount of concern, and the right amount of love.

It was also difficult to find a new normal because I was mostly afraid of acceptance. Realistically I knew our family and my closest of friends would unconditionally accept him; they have no choice. (Really they don't, because I think they all know I would cut them out in an instant and not look back.) I was afraid of acceptance from the world. Its difficult because it is so easy for the world to accept what has been determined as normal; easy. Fortunately, there are so many programs available, and a lot of support, that those feelings have subsided. Now I think, "take it or leave it, this is us."

For the record, once his heart condition was under control and I really understood what it would mean, I was able to stop thinking that he would leave us too early. Although learning to love him and all his glorious chromosomes was difficult in the first few days, I found that it came easily... like breathing.

Also, that baby is my "muffins." He knows I want to eat him up every chance I get!